3 Levels of Growth
So, I just got back from a five-day retreat in the mountains of North Carolina at the Art of Living Retreat Center, which, 10 out of 10, I recommend. I did a silent meditation retreat there last year. Incredible.
And then I found out that Kyle Cease was going to be doing a workshop the weekend of my birthday.
I was like, hell yeah, that's what we're doing. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm going to this Kyle Cease workshop. And it was amazing. It was so good.
But I learned something that I needed to know, but I didn't know that I needed to know, which is kind of, I guess, how that works. He [Kyle] put it this way. There are three levels because lately, okay, backup.
Lately, I've been feeling kind of stuck and I don't know why I feel stuck. I learned how to do the achieving thing. I'm a really good overachiever. I know how to figure things out. I know how to make magic happen. I know how to get shit done. Like I know that - done.
But after, after you achieve a bunch of stuff, a lot of times it's hollow, right? You go through this period where I call it the achievement hangover, right?
Like after my TED talk, I was like, well, shit, now what? Now what am I going to do? I did the TED talk, right? And I had the same feeling after I wrote my book and after I got the MBA, right? Like all the really cool stuff I've done.
I do the thing and then I'm waiting for something to be like, deeply fulfilling. And I do feel somewhat fulfilled because I have grown.
After a lot of reflection,
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I figured out,
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oh,
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the achievement isn't the purpose for the achievement.
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It's the growth that comes with the achievement that is the purpose.
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And that's what makes me happy is the growth.
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Now, growth also sucks for the record.
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Usually it's very uncomfortable.
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Sometimes it's terrible, but the fulfillment comes in the growth.
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And I'm like, I don't, I don't even know what to do now because I got nothing.
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Like I tried to sit down and write goals this year.
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I got nada.
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Nothing.
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I don't have any ideas.
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I'm like, I'm not working.
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I'm not working toward anything.
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And that feels weird for me because usually I have five goals,
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10 goals,
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25 goals happening at the same time.
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I got no goals.
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And I tried meditating and taking long walks and driving in the car with the
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windows down and the music up.
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And all of those things were nice,
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but they weren't showing me what it is that I needed to learn.
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And then I was asking Kyle Cease about this.
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I'm like, I know that the achievement isn't the thing.
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So what's the thing?
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Right.
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Because that's my identity is overachiever.
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That's who I feel like I am is the person that just does stuff, figures things out.
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And he's like, so there's there's levels right to to growth.
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And the first level is like baseline.
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Everything sucks.
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It's everyone else's fault.
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Or like things are decent, but you don't really have any control over the situation.
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So you have to take some ownership over things if you want them to get better,
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because typically people are not just going to waltz in and make your life magical.
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That doesn't usually happen.
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Usually you have to do something for it.
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So I
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I dove into self-help like 20 years ago and I learned how to make things happen.
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I learned all the things that I thought I was missing, right?
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I learned people skills and better communication and leadership and management and
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productivity and time management and organization,
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right?
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And I'm super obsessed with all of those things.
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And yet I feel like I'm missing something.
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Like it's still not good enough.
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And he's like, okay, so level one is victim.
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Level two is doer.
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Like, you figure out how to do the things.
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And for a lot of people, that takes a long time.
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And it did.
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It took me a long time to figure out how to just make magic happen.
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And then he's like, then there's level three.
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Because level two is still based in fear.
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He's like, so if you didn't do, what would happen?
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Like if you didn't accomplish anything else, what would happen?
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I'm like, well, I'd be massively disappointing.
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He's like, what if it's okay for you to be disappointing?
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And like immediately my back tenses up.
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I'm like, it is not okay for me to be a disappointment.
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Like that is not, that is not okay.
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He's like, but what if it were, what if it was okay?
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What if you said like, it is okay that I, that I disappoint.
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And I said it to myself and then I could feel my back muscles just release a little bit.
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He's like, say it again.
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And they released a little more.
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I'm still not,
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I'm still not like totally with that thought because it's,
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it's been beaten into me for such a long time that I must be exceptional at
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everything always that it's hard to say,
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no,
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I don't have to be that.
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And he's like, so what it sounds like is like,
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You're terrified of being criticized or not being enough.
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And so you do things to prove that you're enough.
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But you don't actually believe that.
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Because if you believed it,
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you wouldn't feel the compulsion to keep performing at such a high level.
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Because it's a compulsion.
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You're not doing it out of curiosity or growth or inspiration.
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It's all, I must do this so that I will be okay.
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So that it will be safe for me to be here.
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So that I feel like I deserve to be here.
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He's like, what you need to work on now is to be a better receiver.
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I'm like, what do you mean?
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He's like, so when you give someone a gift...
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if they immediately try to give something back to you without even like
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acknowledging the gift,
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it's,
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it's not satisfying for the giver because they've given you something.
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And I'm like, yeah, but like, I'm a, I'm a decent recipient of gifts.
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He's like, right.
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But if someone does something for you,
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do you feel the need to immediately go do something for them?
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I'm like, yeah.
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He's like, why?
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I'm like, because it's because I haven't earned it.
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the thing that they gave me I haven't I haven't earned it and now we're out of
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balance and so I feel like I need to do something for them I also want to do
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something for them out of gratitude but I feel like I need to do something he's
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like but level three is where you don't have to anymore because it's you still do
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the work but you don't do it out of fear of not being enough because you are enough
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And I'm working on accepting that because that still feels weird.
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If I'm being honest, it still feels weird.
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And he's like,
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what if perhaps all of these accomplishments that you've worked so hard for that,
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according to you,
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nobody cares about the reason they don't care about it is because you're projecting
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that you're still not good enough and they're picking up on that.
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So no matter what it is that you do, it won't be enough.
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Not until you realize that you're already enough.
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And I'm like, well, how do I do that?
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He's like, oh, that's the thing is it's not a doing thing.
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You're looking for like a three-step checklist.
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That's what the doer does.
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That's not what someone who is a beer does.
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It's not a do.
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I'm like, brain does not compute.
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I don't, how do I not do better?
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And he's like, you have to be.
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You have to do the work on the inside to find your own value and just be that.
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Because when you feel like you're good enough and when you take yourself seriously
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and when you find your accomplishments impressive,
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other people will too.
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And so a lot of times I call what I do at work making magic happen.
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So now my new mantra is instead of making magic happen,
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I am just going to be magic.
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And I absolutely do not have this figured out,
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but I thought it was worth sharing because I'm sure there are some other people out
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there who also know how to make magic happen.
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and find it very unfulfilling and are still waiting on their accomplishments and
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their achievements and their badassery to prove to the world that they're good enough.
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And so you're not alone.
We're in this together and we can be, we can be.
So if this resonates with you, drop me a comment, let me know.
If not, check out the Art of Living Retreat Center in North Carolina.
It's amazing.
And have a fabulous day.
