3 Levels of Growth
So, I just got back from a five-day retreat in the mountains of North Carolina at the Art of Living Retreat Center, which, 10 out of 10, I recommend. I did a silent meditation retreat there last year. Incredible.
And then I found out that Kyle Cease was going to be doing a workshop the weekend of my birthday.
I was like, hell yeah, that's what we're doing. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm going to this Kyle Cease workshop. And it was amazing. It was so good.
But I learned something that I needed to know, but I didn't know that I needed to know, which is kind of, I guess, how that works. He [Kyle] put it this way. There are three levels because lately, okay, backup.
Lately, I've been feeling kind of stuck and I don't know why I feel stuck. I learned how to do the achieving thing. I'm a really good overachiever. I know how to figure things out. I know how to make magic happen. I know how to get shit done. Like I know that - done.
But after, after you achieve a bunch of stuff, a lot of times it's hollow, right? You go through this period where I call it the achievement hangover, right?
Like after my TED talk, I was like, well, shit, now what? Now what am I going to do? I did the TED talk, right? And I had the same feeling after I wrote my book and after I got the MBA, right? Like all the really cool stuff I've done.
I do the thing and then I'm waiting for something to be like, deeply fulfilling. And I do feel somewhat fulfilled because I have grown.
After a lot of reflection,
(00:01:46):
I figured out,
(00:01:47):
oh,
(00:01:47):
the achievement isn't the purpose for the achievement.
(00:01:50):
It's the growth that comes with the achievement that is the purpose.
(00:01:53):
And that's what makes me happy is the growth.
(00:01:55):
Now, growth also sucks for the record.
(00:01:58):
Usually it's very uncomfortable.
(00:02:01):
Sometimes it's terrible, but the fulfillment comes in the growth.
(00:02:07):
And I'm like, I don't, I don't even know what to do now because I got nothing.
(00:02:14):
Like I tried to sit down and write goals this year.
(00:02:16):
I got nada.
(00:02:19):
Nothing.
(00:02:20):
I don't have any ideas.
(00:02:21):
I'm like, I'm not working.
(00:02:23):
I'm not working toward anything.
(00:02:27):
And that feels weird for me because usually I have five goals,
(00:02:31):
10 goals,
(00:02:31):
25 goals happening at the same time.
(00:02:33):
I got no goals.
(00:02:35):
And I tried meditating and taking long walks and driving in the car with the
(00:02:41):
windows down and the music up.
(00:02:43):
And all of those things were nice,
(00:02:45):
but they weren't showing me what it is that I needed to learn.
(00:02:48):
And then I was asking Kyle Cease about this.
(00:02:50):
I'm like, I know that the achievement isn't the thing.
(00:02:56):
So what's the thing?
(00:02:57):
Right.
(00:02:58):
Because that's my identity is overachiever.
(00:03:00):
That's who I feel like I am is the person that just does stuff, figures things out.
(00:03:08):
And he's like, so there's there's levels right to to growth.
(00:03:14):
And the first level is like baseline.
(00:03:18):
Everything sucks.
(00:03:18):
It's everyone else's fault.
(00:03:20):
Or like things are decent, but you don't really have any control over the situation.
(00:03:25):
So you have to take some ownership over things if you want them to get better,
(00:03:30):
because typically people are not just going to waltz in and make your life magical.
(00:03:37):
That doesn't usually happen.
(00:03:38):
Usually you have to do something for it.
(00:03:40):
So I
(00:03:42):
I dove into self-help like 20 years ago and I learned how to make things happen.
(00:03:48):
I learned all the things that I thought I was missing, right?
(00:03:50):
I learned people skills and better communication and leadership and management and
(00:03:55):
productivity and time management and organization,
(00:03:57):
right?
(00:03:58):
And I'm super obsessed with all of those things.
(00:04:03):
And yet I feel like I'm missing something.
(00:04:08):
Like it's still not good enough.
(00:04:10):
And he's like, okay, so level one is victim.
(00:04:13):
Level two is doer.
(00:04:16):
Like, you figure out how to do the things.
(00:04:19):
And for a lot of people, that takes a long time.
(00:04:21):
And it did.
(00:04:22):
It took me a long time to figure out how to just make magic happen.
(00:04:28):
And then he's like, then there's level three.
(00:04:31):
Because level two is still based in fear.
(00:04:35):
He's like, so if you didn't do, what would happen?
(00:04:39):
Like if you didn't accomplish anything else, what would happen?
(00:04:41):
I'm like, well, I'd be massively disappointing.
(00:04:43):
He's like, what if it's okay for you to be disappointing?
(00:04:47):
And like immediately my back tenses up.
(00:04:49):
I'm like, it is not okay for me to be a disappointment.
(00:04:52):
Like that is not, that is not okay.
(00:04:55):
He's like, but what if it were, what if it was okay?
(00:04:59):
What if you said like, it is okay that I, that I disappoint.
(00:05:06):
And I said it to myself and then I could feel my back muscles just release a little bit.
(00:05:12):
He's like, say it again.
(00:05:13):
And they released a little more.
(00:05:15):
I'm still not,
(00:05:16):
I'm still not like totally with that thought because it's,
(00:05:22):
it's been beaten into me for such a long time that I must be exceptional at
(00:05:25):
everything always that it's hard to say,
(00:05:27):
no,
(00:05:28):
I don't have to be that.
(00:05:29):
And he's like, so what it sounds like is like,
(00:05:34):
You're terrified of being criticized or not being enough.
(00:05:39):
And so you do things to prove that you're enough.
(00:05:42):
But you don't actually believe that.
(00:05:48):
Because if you believed it,
(00:05:49):
you wouldn't feel the compulsion to keep performing at such a high level.
(00:05:55):
Because it's a compulsion.
(00:05:56):
You're not doing it out of curiosity or growth or inspiration.
(00:06:01):
It's all, I must do this so that I will be okay.
(00:06:05):
So that it will be safe for me to be here.
(00:06:07):
So that I feel like I deserve to be here.
(00:06:09):
He's like, what you need to work on now is to be a better receiver.
(00:06:15):
I'm like, what do you mean?
(00:06:16):
He's like, so when you give someone a gift...
(00:06:20):
if they immediately try to give something back to you without even like
(00:06:23):
acknowledging the gift,
(00:06:24):
it's,
(00:06:25):
it's not satisfying for the giver because they've given you something.
(00:06:32):
And I'm like, yeah, but like, I'm a, I'm a decent recipient of gifts.
(00:06:36):
He's like, right.
(00:06:38):
But if someone does something for you,
(00:06:40):
do you feel the need to immediately go do something for them?
(00:06:42):
I'm like, yeah.
(00:06:44):
He's like, why?
(00:06:46):
I'm like, because it's because I haven't earned it.
(00:06:50):
the thing that they gave me I haven't I haven't earned it and now we're out of
(00:06:53):
balance and so I feel like I need to do something for them I also want to do
(00:06:56):
something for them out of gratitude but I feel like I need to do something he's
(00:07:00):
like but level three is where you don't have to anymore because it's you still do
(00:07:12):
the work but you don't do it out of fear of not being enough because you are enough
(00:07:21):
And I'm working on accepting that because that still feels weird.
(00:07:25):
If I'm being honest, it still feels weird.
(00:07:28):
And he's like,
(00:07:29):
what if perhaps all of these accomplishments that you've worked so hard for that,
(00:07:34):
according to you,
(00:07:35):
nobody cares about the reason they don't care about it is because you're projecting
(00:07:39):
that you're still not good enough and they're picking up on that.
(00:07:42):
So no matter what it is that you do, it won't be enough.
(00:07:45):
Not until you realize that you're already enough.
(00:07:49):
And I'm like, well, how do I do that?
(00:07:50):
He's like, oh, that's the thing is it's not a doing thing.
(00:07:54):
You're looking for like a three-step checklist.
(00:07:57):
That's what the doer does.
(00:08:00):
That's not what someone who is a beer does.
(00:08:05):
It's not a do.
(00:08:06):
I'm like, brain does not compute.
(00:08:10):
I don't, how do I not do better?
(00:08:15):
And he's like, you have to be.
(00:08:17):
You have to do the work on the inside to find your own value and just be that.
(00:08:28):
Because when you feel like you're good enough and when you take yourself seriously
(00:08:32):
and when you find your accomplishments impressive,
(00:08:35):
other people will too.
(00:08:39):
And so a lot of times I call what I do at work making magic happen.
(00:08:43):
So now my new mantra is instead of making magic happen,
(00:08:47):
I am just going to be magic.
(00:08:51):
And I absolutely do not have this figured out,
(00:08:53):
but I thought it was worth sharing because I'm sure there are some other people out
(00:08:58):
there who also know how to make magic happen.
(00:09:02):
and find it very unfulfilling and are still waiting on their accomplishments and
(00:09:07):
their achievements and their badassery to prove to the world that they're good enough.
(00:09:14):
And so you're not alone.
We're in this together and we can be, we can be.
So if this resonates with you, drop me a comment, let me know.
If not, check out the Art of Living Retreat Center in North Carolina.
It's amazing.
And have a fabulous day.